yes... bloggie... aren't you see that the title of my post were similar from the previous post.... bwahhaha.. I just don't know how to say this... It just complicated.. I don't know what is in my mind.. What did I felt after all of this.. I dont even know anything.. Sometimes , I felt like I left out and I'm alone in this world with no one even care that I'm here! .. Yeah, it's stupid right? I know... but I can't do anything.. I thought this is why I'm being so afraid of the outside world.. I'm too scared to be open to someone that I just know...
Arghh.. I really felt frustrated here! Seriously... Everytime I felt down, I will started to read my fanfic, watch random things so that I can smile and laugh again... How horrible is that right? I know... People might thing I'm crazy everytime they heard me laugh out loud in my room but the fact that my laughter were not true... the laugh that I let out were just fake! Yeah, fake! totally fake..
Every time I looked at myself laughing alone in my room, I started to act weird... Because how much I laugh out loud were the total for how much I wanted to cry ! I hate it... I hate to be like this... Why can't anyone ever understand how I live? I just want to do what I want .. I just want to live happily like other people... But how? How can I go through it alone? I just don't know how... It's really damn hurts every time I need to put on my make smile and make an effort to make myself look happy all the time... I don't want to keep it alone.. but I can't even stopped myself to keep it alone... Yeah, people always said to me that if I keep on keep this feeling alone, I will be more hurt... Yes! I know that.. but if I've told you guys, you guys will never understand it though... So its better for me to shut my mouth, right?
I will try to smile .. Even I'm hurts.. I will try to happy even I'm sad... That's all I can do, right? I don't need anything else now.. I just need to bring myself away... Study and keep study.. avoid everything and act happy all the time.. even if I feel this is shit.. but I must still pretend that I'm okay, right? Yeah.. I know it.. I even can't cut my hair.. I even can't go for checkup ... So what should I do? Ignore everything.. and just asked for permission on whatever I want to do? GOSH! When will you see me as a teenagers not a kid anymore? Seriously, I am not good in talk, but I'm good in words.. every time I wrote or type, I always bursts everything..
You know why I kept on writing fanfic .. Though I never end every fanfic that I wrote? Because that imagination that I have in the fanfic were only to make me smile and happy.. Every time I wrote a story.. I would smile alone after reading it back.. I knew it not came out well, and not everyone loves my story.. but I made it for my own satisfication... Because of myself.. I want to read it myself... I don't care what everyone coment about me, what they thought about my story, I'll never stop myself... Every new story that I started, it always because I can't bear with my own problem.. and when I wrote that... I felt happy for myself... and I don't care anybody beside me either.. haha.. pabo me.. /grins
Oh, you know bloggie... Its been almost a month , I always slept on 6 a.m .. yeah.. and will woke up on 3 or 4 in the evening.. hee.. what a girl am I ... What can I do, I try to wake up early.. but the alarm clock always failed to wake me up... lol.. poor alarm clock... nahh~ maybe my alarm too soft... so I've change it to EXO-Overdose.. and everytime it's sound... I will Q!WE!@#$RT#@ Who the earth are making that sound! XD Kekekeke... Mian EXO-deul.. I am really like that in the morning.. I don't care who's song played by my alarm.. I will always curse to the alarm..
Kekee.. sorry for using Luhan for this... yeah.. alarm clock is always too soft for me to hear it .. So it's not my fault.. /le stab/ xD ...
Bloggie.. another 2 weeks, I will continuing my study for POINT COLLEGE... 12/5 .. and I will stayed in one of the apartment there in Damansara... Well, it just for 1 or 2 month before I got my own car.... Yup.. Need to wait for that than I will be back home.. I don't know why I felt like I'm going back to PLKN xD ... lol... it just been 2 month at home now I need to go back.. tsk tsk... my life.. ugh.. xD .. I just not understand why everyone must asked, what U did I went too? -_- Seriously... Everyone expected me to go to U .. but other than U .. I'm more interested in this college... Why? Cause What I want to do is in there... Even not everyone agreed with it... this is me.. My own choice.. my own things to do... I don't want to invovle in things that I can't do or hate.. enough for me to go for Science Class for From 4 & 5 even though my science are the worst amount all...
Yeah.. I want to achieve what I have dream for so long.. and my dream is... after this college..and got my diploma.. I want to continue my study outside my country.. Yosh! I should be working hard, :) And I know .. there will be one of my friends will support me in any of my decision,..
Need to stop here.. Here some random pictures that I love :) <3
love ; minnie
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